


Decode

by Cherrys_Criminal_Mind



Category: Criminal Minds, Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Affairs, Angst, F/M, Smut, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 11:09:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6236314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind/pseuds/Cherrys_Criminal_Mind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The reader finds herself giving into temptation and embarking on an affair with her colleague and friend Spencer Reid. </p><p>The only problem is, they both want more. Will she make the right decision? </p><p>Angsty song fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Decode

The day you’d met Spencer Reid was both a blessing and a curse.

_How can I decide what’s right  
When you’re clouding up my mind?  
I can’t win your losing fight all the time_

He was everything you wanted in a man. Kind, caring, considerate and funny, intelligent and brave. He was attractive, extremely so, and the two of you shared the same interests in films, TV shows and literature. He understood you, you could talk to him about anything and everything, and you had done on multiple occasions. You two would be perfect for each other.

The only problem was, you were married.

Transferring to the BAU and moving states should have been good for your marriage. It took you both away from her, the secretary who had threatened your marriage. But Paul had convinced you to give him another chance, that throwing away five years together on what he referred to as a fling, wasn’t worth it. So you believed him. You forgave him. You both packed up house and moved, starting new jobs and making new friends.

That was two years ago. And the first year had been fine. You’d rekindled some of the romance you’d lost, you made more of an effort with each other and you worked on the relationship. Then around eleven months ago the arguments started. Your new position took you away too much, and when you were home, Paul was at work. Paul didn’t trust that you were spending nights away with male team members, he didn’t approve of your friendship with Spencer. And you didn’t trust that yet again, he’d hired a young female secretary that bore a strong resemblance to the last one. So you argued. And almost every time, one of you would walk out. He’d go and get drunk in a bar and roll into bed in the early hours, stinking of rum and begging forgiveness. Or you’d leave and you’d go to Emily, or JJ, or more recently, Spencer. The girls would ply you with wine and hugs and advice, and Spencer would just listen and be there for you. He never tried to tell you what you should do, whereas the girls had told you time and time again to leave. You could stay with them, they’d both offered,their spare rooms were yours for the taking.

_Nor can I ever own what’s mine  
When you’re always taking sides_

You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know what you wanted anymore. But you knew you didn’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve a man who cheated on you, who accused you of the same thing he’d done himself. But you couldn’t leave. You didn’t didn’t know how to.

What you also knew was that the more time you spent around Spencer, the more you wished he was your husband and not Paul. And you got the feeling that he did too.

Tonight’s argument had been just the same as the others. There’d been yelling and crying, accusations thrown around from the two of you, callous and harsh insults exhausted. Finally when you’d had enough, you grabbed your bag and stormed out. You’d had enough.

_But you won’t take away my pride  
No not this time  
Not this time_

You’d had two glasses of wine whilst cooking dinner, a dinner that was now ruined, so you couldn’t drink. So instead you walked, you walked through the city in the pouring rain heading to the only place that felt safe and like home to you right now.

He opened the door to you almost immediately. This was an old routine, one that you went through every two weeks or so now. You, turning up at Spencers door with no warning, tears streaming down your face.

This time when he saw you soaked and shivering, he led you straight into his bedroom whilst he fetched towels.

“You should have called me, I’d have picked you up.” He whispered as he tugged your sopping wet cardigan off and wrapped soft terrycloth around your shoulders.

“That would have made thing worse. You know how he feels about you.” You spat out, your voice shaking with cold.

_How did we get here?  
Well, I used to know you so well  
How did we get here?  
Well, I think I know_

“That doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

You pulled the towel tighter, using the ends to wipe at your face, thanking god you’d at least worn waterproof mascara today. Spencer grabbed another towel and used it to smooth your hair back from your face, scrunching the towel over your long red locks to remove some of the water. He was so close to you right now. It would be so easy to make those accusations a reality.

“Spencer, how do you feel about me?”

He paused his slow, careful drying of your hair for a moment and then continued. “You know how I feel about you. You’re my friend, a close one. I hate to see you hurting. You deserve so much better than him.”

“Is that all?” You whispered, locking your eyes onto his.

_The truth is hiding in your eyes  
And it’s hanging on your tongue  
Just boiling in my blood_

He was quiet for thirty seconds, his eyes searching yours, his hand no longer drying your hair, but stilled, scared to move.

“Y/N, you know how I feel about you. You know.”

_But you think that I can’t see  
What kind of man that you are  
If you’re a man at all  
Well, I will figure this one out  
On my own_

Although neither of you had ever out rightly said it, you both knew. That unspoken desire between you, the feelings of knowing how right you were for each other but how wrong it was unless you ended your marriage.

The air in the room was thick, heady with electricity between you both and you raised your hand to Spencers face, cupping his chin and running a finger along his jawbone, your towel dropping to the floor.

He nuzzled into your palm, his lips pressing to your thumb. They felt slightly rough, probably chapped from the amount of times he bit or licked them. The need to feel them on yours was overpowering your need to remain faithful to the man you were no longer certain you loved and before you could stop yourself, you raised onto your tip toes and pressed your mouth to his.

_(I’m screaming, “I love you so!”)  
On my own  
(My thoughts you can’t decode)_

Spencer responded quickly and without hesitation, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you to him, pressing your soaked tank top against your skin and making you shiver. Your hands moved to his neck, immersing themselves in his gloriously messy hair and caressing the base of his neck. His lips didn’t feel as rough as you’d expected against your own, they felt soft and full, moving to match your pace as you tilted your head to deepen the kiss, breathing in his breath as his lips parted and the tip of his tongue darted out to meet yours.

This felt like nothing you’d experienced before, so much passion, so much desire pouring from one moment. He nipped your lower lip with his teeth, grazing it gently before playing his tongue against yours, hands roaming your back over the wet fabric. You couldn’t even remember feeling like this when you were a teenage and making out in the back seat of a boyfriends car.

You wanted more though, needed more. Your hands moved to his shirt, your fingers quivering slightly as you started to undo his buttons. It was then that he stopped, pulling away from your lips, a shocked and horrified look on his face.

“Y/N…. We can’t… We shouldn’t have even….”

“But we have. You can’t tell me you don’t want this, Spencer.”

“But… It’s wrong… What about him.. What about Pa… ”

“Don’t you dare say his name. Not when you’ve just kissed me the way you did. The way I’ve been imagining you would.”

You stood, staring at each other, your chests heaving; both waiting for the other to do something, to say something. To cross the point of no return.

“Spencer, tell me now that you don’t want this. And I’ll walk out. Nothing will change between us, we’ll forget this ever happened. Tell me now though.”

_How did we get here?  
Well, I used to know you so well, yeah_

“I can’t.”

He lunged at you, his lips crashing against yours harshly as his hands grasped for purchase on the hem of your tank top, tugging it up and over your head and tossing it to the floor. Your hands made quick work of his buttons and he shrugged his shirt off hurriedly, before walking you backwards until your legs hit the edge of his bed and you collapsed on it together.

In a matter of minutes yours and his relationship had changed. Spencer was no longer your friend, your confidant. He was the man you were going to break your marital vows to be with. There was no going back from this now. If either one of you pulled away from this your friendship was damned anyway. So damn it right down to hell.

Reid was lying on top of you now, your hands roaming each others torso. His mouth found your neck, sucking and kissing the sensitive skin there, his hands kneading your breasts through your bra.

Using your leg and the flat of your hands, you pushed; rolling him off you and onto his back. You didn’t want or need foreplay here. You just wanted him.

Acting quickly, you tugged your jeans off, Spencer doing the same with his pants. Leaving your panties on you, climbed onto him, your knees either side. Spencer raised his head as you lowered yours, meeting together in another kiss that seemed to take away your capacity to breathe properly. Your hands raked down his chest, fingernails dragging on his skin as you rolled your hips against his. Not even realising he’d unhooked it, Spencer pulled your bra straps down your arms, easing it off and letting it fall to the bed. You sat back, grinding your core over his groin, feeling him hard beneath you as he took in your naked breasts, rolling his lower lip between his teeth and releasing it slowly.

“You’re beautiful, you know that.”

_How did we get here?  
Well, I think I know_

That was the rest of the encouragement you needed. It had been months, possibly years since anyone had said that to you with so much fire lacing their words. Reaching behind you and raising up on your knees, you pushed down Spencers boxers, him raising his hips to assist you. Positioning yourself carefully, you pulled your panties to one side and reached between your bodies, taking his length into your hand. Spencer adjusted on the bed, pushing himself upright, one hand behind him resting on the bed and the other moving to your waist.

Looking directly into his eyes, you slowly eased him inside of you, both of your mouths parting at the new sensation you each felt as he filled you, your warm core moulding to him.

“Oh fuck…” you gasped out, placing a hand onto his shoulder. You started to move against him, groans leaving his mouth as you slid up and down his cock, quickly gathering pace as you rolled your hips against his, Spencer bucking upwards and thrusting deeper inside you.

There were no words exchanged between you, only feverish glances, gasps and heavy breaths as you moved together perfectly. His hand gripped your waist and he pulled himself further upright so he was sitting straight, his knees bent over the edge of the bed. His lips found your neck again, his long fingers dragging up and down your spine. You reached between your bodies, slipping your hand inside your panties to rub yourself, the added friction causing a desperate groan to escape your lips.

Your head lolled back as you clenched around Spencer, now struggling to keep up the pace. Sensing this, Reid flipped your positions in a move that you’d would have never thought him capable of. One minute you were riding him and the next, you were flat on your back with him between your legs.

He pulled out of you momentarily and you moaned at the empty feeling inside as he quickly dragged your underwear off, removing his own as well, before pushing himself back in, lowering his mouth to yours again and thrusting quickly as he captured your lips with his.

Your breathing was laboured, your mind unable to think of anything other than the pleasure that was surging through your veins right now. Hooking your legs around Spencers waist, you heard him groan at the new friction, the tighter cavity you’d created. Setting his arms either side of your neck, he pushed himself up, leaning on one hand as he took yours and placed it between your legs, willing you to continue what you’d been doing before. You didn’t need telling twice, so you started to rub again as he set his arm back down and began pounding into you with a renewed ferocity, your walls clamping down as you quickly bought yourself to orgasm, Spencers name catching in your throat as you came.

The feeling and sight of you coming, sent Spencer over his edge and a few thrusts later, you felt his own orgasm bursting free inside of you, his eyes closed and his lips parted as short but delicious sounding moans spilled from his mouth.

He collapsed atop of you, your bodies trembling with exertion as you both panted softly, trying to regain control of your senses.

_Do you see what we’ve done?  
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves_

After a few minutes he slipped out of you, stickiness seeping from between your thighs. You grimaced and Spencer swiftly moved to his bathroom, coming back with a moist wash cloth, redressed in a pair of pajama pants.

He handed the cloth to you and you used to it wipe away the residue, suddenly feeling very exposed and vulnerable. You searched for your bra and your tank top, clambering off the bed as you tried to pull your damp clothing back on.

“You’re leaving?” Spencer asked, his voice full of confusion.

“I shouldn’t…. Oh god.” The magnitude of what you’d just done settled over you. “I need to go. FUCK.”

“Y/N, you can’t just leave. Shouldn’t we talk about what just happened.”

_Do you see what we’ve done?  
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves_

You shook your head, wincing as you threw you wet cardigan back on and tugged your jeans up, searching for your ballet pumps and your bag.

“Y/N….”

Spotting them, you shoved your feet into them and hauled your bag onto your shoulder.

“Y/N!”

“Don’t! Okay, don’t. I’m sorry. That was a mistake.”

_How did we get here?  
Well, I used to know you so well, yeah, yeah  
How did we get here?  
Well, I used to know you so well_

You ran to his door, pulling it open and slamming it shut as you heard him yelling after you.

Back out into the rain, you hailed the first cab you spotted, giving the driver another address and willing yourself to hold it together during the short journey.

Tossing the driver a twenty and telling him to keep the change, you hurried to the front doors of the building you’d arrived at, catching sight of your reflection in the glass.

_I think I know  
I think I know_

Looking back at you was a stranger, someone you never thought you’d become. A cheater, a liar, a user.

You buzzed the apartment you wanted repeatedly, them opening the door as soon as you announced your presence. Walking quickly to the elevator, you hit the button for the seventh floor, daring to check your cell as you rid up through the floors.

_Ooh, there is something  
I see in you_

Not one single message from Paul.

But a message from Spencer.

_It might kill me_

“For what it’s worth, I agree. What we did was a mistake but only because of the circumstance.

I love you, Y/N. You need to know that.”

_I want it to be true_

The elevator haulted and the doors slid open just as a fresh wave of tears burst free. Emily was waiting for you with her door propped open and you almost fell into her arms.

“Em, I fucked up. I fucked up so badly.”


	2. Say Something

You were a hypocrite, a big fat hypocrite. And you hated yourself for it. What’s worse, you were fairly sure that Spencer was beginning to hate you too.

Nearly four months had passed since you’d turned up at Emilys door in the pouring rain, telling her that you’d fucked up. She’d held you and let you cry, and then more or less forced whisky down your throat to make you sleep after you’d spent half an hour standing in her shower, until the hot water gave out.

She didn’t ask who with, although it didn’t take a genius to work it out, especially given how you and Reid acted around each other at work the next Monday. In the morning you’d gone home to Paul, him passed out in bed; last night’s dinner still on the dining table. You cleaned up, tears falling silently and then you changed your clothes, tossing the underwear you’d been wearing the previous night into a bag and then carrying them outside directly into the trash. When Paul eventually woke up, you slipped into your old routine, tiptoeing around each other and acting like nothing had happened the night before.

Spencer barely looked at you at work those first three weeks, only speaking to you when he had to, and sitting as far away from you as he could. You felt terrible, for yourself and for him. You’d wanted it to happen, not being able to resist the urge that had been building for months. But you couldn’t reconcile yourself with being a cheater, becoming the very thing that you hated. And you could see that this was eating away at Spencer too. Sweet, lovely Spencer, who would never do anything to hurt someone intentionally. The fact that he’d slept with a married woman went against everything he believed in as well. Neither of you knew what to do, where you stood with each other, and every time he messaged you to ask to speak privately, you ignored him.

Until three weeks after that first night. Another screaming argument ensued, you walking out again intending to go to Emilys but instead finding yourself outside his front door. He’d opened it, his face lighting up when he saw you, thinking that perhaps you’d left him.

You’d shook your head sadly, expecting Spencer to shut the door in your face but he didn’t, of course he didn’t. And so it had happened again. Three times that night, each time more explosive than the previous. Neither of you had slept, spending hours worshipping each others bodies, exploring every inch of each other that you could.

Afterwards you lay in his arms, not running this time.

“Y/N…. What happens now?”

_Say something, I’m giving up on you  
I’ll be the one if you want me to_

“I don’t…. I don’t know.” You snuggled against his chest, loving the feeling of his strong arms around you. You wished it could be like this always.

“You’re leaving him though, right?”

“I don’t know.”

“Y/N? After everything we’ve just done… Everything he’s done to you. How can you not know?”

“Because I made a vow. So did he.” He wouldn’t understand.

“Vows you’ve both broken. Vows I’ve helped you break.”

“Spencer please. I’m sorry. I’ll go.” You tried to move but his arms tightened around you.

“No. Stay, don’t run out on me like you did before. Please.”

You turned, rolling over to face him, his eyes full of concern and sadness as he spoke.

“I love you. I have done for a while. I shouldn’t, it goes against everything I believe in, but I do.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I involved you in this.” You ran your fingers lightly up his bare arm.

“I could have stopped myself. You gave me the chance. I just…. I can’t bear the thought of you going home to him. Doing those things with him.”

“Spencer, I haven’t done those things with him in a while. And even when we did, it felt nothing like it does with you. Lying here with you…. it’s perfect. You’re perfect. I wish we could have met each other in another life, one where I wasn’t married.”

“Me too.”

When you left him there the next day, he repeated to you that he loved you.

_Anywhere I would’ve followed you  
Say something, I’m giving up on you_

But you couldn’t say it back. Not right now.

..

He said it again, a week afterwards. And then eleven days after that time. He said it to you everytime you met up in secret, and everytime you met up in not so secret.

_And I… am feeling so small  
It was over my head  
I know nothing at all_

You still couldn’t say it back, and you still couldn’t answer him each time he asked what was going to happen. You kept waiting for him to call it off, waiting for him to turn you away but he was in too deep as well. He couldn’t get enough of you. It wasn’t even about the sex, it never had been. You were two people who were so clearly meant to have been together but you werent. You hadn’t been home early in weeks. Even if you finished on time and didn’t have a case, you’d make up an excuse to Paul, not even hurt any more at the lack of a fuck he seemed to give. Before he’d have complained that you were working late but now…

He didn’t care. You stopped checking his phone for messages, stopped checking his pockets for signs he was having another affair. Instead, you changed the password on your phone; made sure you file locked any text conversations between you and Spencer, and you never ever let your cell out of your sight. You made sure that Spencer was in charge of condoms so that you wouldn’t be seen. Yes, you were on birth control, but you had to be extra sure. An affair was one thing, a pregnancy when you hadn’t let your husband near you in months was another. You showered at Spencers after everytime now, berating him when you found marks on your body. Not that Paul would see them, you changed in the bathroom now at home.

_And I… will stumble and fall  
I’m still learning to love  
Just starting to crawl_

Home. That apartment didn’t even feel like home anymore, the more and more you thought about. Your old house had, until he desecrated it by bringing her into your marital bed when you weren’t there. The only place you felt at home now, was with Spencer. You told him that one night and the smile on his face had been so sweet.

“Wherever you are, that’s my home. We could up and leave tomorrow, leave everything behind. And I’d still feel at home.”

“You’d do that? If I had to leave here, I mean. You come with me if I asked?”

“Y/N, I’d follow you anywhere. I love you.”

_Say something, I’m giving up on you  
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you  
Anywhere I would’ve followed you  
Say something, I’m giving up on you_

You caressed his face gently. But you still didn’t say it back.

..

“Spencer, Y/N. Can I grab you for a second?”

It was the end of a long week. You’d arrived home from a case a few hours ago and had all trudged back to the office to complete your paperwork. Everyone was getting ready to leave and Emily had come over and asked to speak to you both. The rest of the team was already half way out of door, eager to get home so they didn’t notice when you both followed her into the meeting room, shutting the door behind you all.

“What’s up, Em?” You asked her, eyeing her curiously.

Reid knew she knew about the first time, but you hadn’t confided in her further, knowing that despite her dislike of Paul, she’d disapprove.

You’d been sneaking around behind his back now for fifteen weeks, still not coming to a decision about what to do. Spencer still asked you, but you couldn’t answer and despite the fact that you knew he hated that, he still couldn’t stay away from you, nor you him.

“You two are so fucking lucky that it was me in the motel room next door to Y/N last night and not one of the others.” Her voice was low and pissed off.

Shit.

The case had been wrapped earlier in the day but the plane couldn’t refuel until the morning so you’d all been forced to stay another night. You’d had the luck to get a room at the end of the corridor and Spencer had been sneaking in all week, just so you could sleep in each others arms, setting a ridiculously early alarm. It was dangerous, you knew it, but even just snatching an hour alone together, meant the world to you right now. Last night though, the case having wrapped, meant that you didn’t need to be awake and alert for the next day, so you taken advantage of it; clearly not even realising how thin the walls were.

You and Spencer glanced at each other, quickly looking away.

“I thought it was a one time thing Y/N. You told me you and Paul were doing better.”

You had, you’d lied to both her and JJ, not being able to face telling anyone the truth.

“I’m sorry.” You said quietly.

“Y/N… You’re married. And Spencer… Fuck, Reid. I thought you knew better than to get mixed up in something like that.”

“Something like what, exactly Emily.” You looked at your friend.

“A fucked up love triangle. Because that’s what it is right. Has this been going on since that first time?”

You nodded at her, hearing the disapproval in her voice. She shook her head.

“You know I think that Paul is a prick. But you realise that what you’re doing is just as bad right? In fact, it’s probably worse.”

Spencer hadn’t spoken yet, just standing there biting his lip, looking like a child being told off.

“How is it worse exactly? He’s clearly had more than one affair, whereas this is the only time I’ve ever done it. The only time I’ve ever considered it.”

“You really wanna know why it’s worse? Can you really not see it?” Emily was incredulous.

“Yes.”

“Alright. Leave it to me to give you a reality check. Paul may be a cheating, lying bastard who doesn’t deserve you. He may fuck around on you, and you’ve let him get away with it once before and you’re letting him get away with it now he’s doing it again. But the fact that he’s done it with different people shows he doesn’t love them. They don’t mean anything to him. ”

“Well I clearly don’t either otherwise he wouldn’t do it.” Your voice was starting to raise and Spencer reached his arm out to touch your shoulder.

Emily shrugged. “That’s probably true. You should have ended the marriage after the first time. But… What’s he’s doing, is just sex. What you’re doing, obviously isn’t. At least not for one of you, but I’m fairly sure it’s mutual. Spencer wouldn’t have got into this if he didn’t care for you, if he didn’t love you. I’ve known this man for five years and that’s not how he works. I’m a little shocked that he’s involved but I know he must love you. But this has been going on for what? Four months now and you two have making eyes at each other for a hell of a lot longer than that. This is worse because not only are you cheating on your husband, you’re cheating on Spencer too. You’re cheating yourself. If you don’t love Paul, leave him. Break it off so you can be with Spencer. But if you’re not going to do that, then you two need to stop and you need to transfer the fuck outta the BAU and move away again and fix your God damn wreck of a marriage. It’s wrong. Sooo fucking wrong. And you two are the smartest people I know, and neither of you can see this?”

Tears were silently streaming down your face now, your shoulders gently shaking.

“Y/N, you know I love you and I’m here for you. But you need to realise that you’re not only hurting yourself here, but you’re hurting Spencer. And if you don’t do something about this, then it WILL all blow up in your face one way or another. So sort your shit out. I’m going now, I need a drink. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. My spare room is yours if you want it.”

Emily gave Spencer a sad smile and turned and walked out of the room, leaving you in deafening silence.

It took a few moments for either of you to speak and it was Spencer who broke the quiet first.

“She’s right you know.”

_And I… will swallow my pride  
You’re the one that I love  
And I’m saying goodbye_

Your eyes whipped up to meet his, barely seeing him through the blur of liquid that was filling in your eyes.

“None of us deserve to feel this way, not even Paul. Emily’s right. You need to make a decision.”

Oh god. Not now.

“I want to be with you. I could make you so very happy. I would walk through fire for you and I would follow you anywhere you asked me to. You’re not happy with him, your family’s would understand. The team would understand. They know about his and yours past, they wouldn’t judge.”

_Say something, I’m giving up on you  
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you_

He was going to make you choose. You could feel it. And you weren’t ready yet. Despite everything you and Paul had gone through, you did still love him in some small way. You weren’t ready to leave. You weren’t ready to own up to the things you’d been doing.

Spencer moved away from you, putting distance between your bodies.

“I love you, Y/N. But you’ve never said it to me. I thought you were scared, but now I’m wondering if you do actually feel the same. It’s been fifteen weeks not counting the time we spent together as friends, ignoring our feelings.”

“I DO feel the same, I do. I AM scared.” You choked out.

“Say it then. Say you love me.”

_And anywhere I would’ve followed you (Oh-Ooh)  
Say something, I’m giving up on you_

You bit your lip hard, you chest growing tight.

“I love you, Y/N. Say it back. Tell me you feel the same. It’s three words. Say them.”

You closed your eyes, feeling like the floor was going to drop out from underneath you.

After the longest pause, Spencer spoke again.

“Don’t come to see me again. We’ll work around each here, but that’s it. Don’t message me, don’t turn up at my door. Not until you’ve ended it. Not until you can say it.”

_Say something, I’m giving up on you  
Say something…_

He turned and walked out of the door, slamming it behind him as your heart shattered into tiny pieces.


	3. Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Twenty three days. Five hundred and fifty two hours. Thirty three thousand, one hundred and twenty minutes.

That was how long it had been seen you’d felt Spencers touch. That was long it had been since you were alone together in private. That was how long your heart had been broken into tiny pieces, that threatened to pierce through your skin at any given time.

_I tell myself you don’t mean a thing,  
And what we got, got no hold on me_

You tried to tell yourself that it was over between you and him. You couldn’t end it with Paul even though you knew you should. It was like you were waiting for him to do it, so you could blame the break up of the marriage on him. Then you weren’t the bad party, the one at fault. But he didn’t seem to want to, even though you and he were barely speaking.

Which in turn meant that Spencer wasn’t speaking to you either. Except when he had to, in order to remain professional. And you weren’t overly speaking to Emily, except of course when you had to, in order to remain professional.

This sucked.

_But when you’re not there I just crumble  
I tell myself I don’t care that much,  
But I feel like I die ‘til I feel your touch,  
Only love, only love can hurt like this._

Yet you knew you could resolve it. All you had to do was be honest with yourself, be honest with Paul, and be honest with Spencer.

You felt so incredibly low right now. And you felt like you couldn’t turn to anyone. Emily was judging you, no matter what she claimed otherwise, she was. And rightly so. You couldn’t tell the others in the team because, well… you couldn’t.

_Say I wouldn’t care if you walked away,  
But every time you’re there I’m begging you to stay,_

And the one person who you knew would make you feel better, wouldn’t see you outside of the office.

You ached to be with him, not just for his physical touch or his kisses. You missed his words, his scent. The way you felt when you were around him, like you were the only two people in the world.

Why did it hurt so much?

You could feel Spencer looking at you sometimes, feel the burn of his eyes on you. But when you’d glance up, he’d avert his gaze quickly. You constantly touched your collar bone, a spot he’d always paid particular attention to when you’d been together, you just wished you could feel him there again. He’d take away this living hell that was your life right now.

_When you come close I just tremble  
And every time, every time you go,  
It’s like a knife that cuts right through my soul  
Only love, only love can hurt like this_

…

“Y/N. You okay?” You bumped into David Rossi into the hallway outside of the bathrooms. Your eyes were red, you’d been crying again. The case the team had returned from yesterday had hit you hard and reviewing and completing the paperwork back at HQ had triggered a minor emotional break down and you’d scurried off to the ladies to ride it out.

Most of the team had gone, you’d been hiding for around an hour, not feeling able to face anyone.

“I’m fine.” You forced a smile to your face, seeing your older colleague study you and then take your arm and lead you into his office.

“Sit.” Rossi gently pushed you into one of his chairs and opened up the small refrigerator he had in his office. “Seeing as office hours are technically over, whiskey?”

You shook your head. “I have to drive.”

Pouring himself one, he handed you a can of cherry coke, knowing you consumed the stuff like it was going out of fashion.

“Talk to me, La mia dolce ragazza.”

“I’m fine Dave. Honestly. It was just the case.”

“We both know it’s not just the case now. Come on, you’re talking to the king of relationship troubles here. I mean, how many marriages am I on now? Even I’ve lost count.”

“I think it was eleven last time we checked… ” You tried to joke, your words coming out flat.

Rossi looked at you sadly.“Bella, you’ve lost your glow, your zest for life. I haven’t seen you smile properly in weeks. I’m saying this to you as a friend. A friend who’s been where you are right now and can recognise the signs. You need to do what will make YOU happy. No one else. Stop thinking about what other people will think of you. Staying in a marriage which is making you miserable isn’t right.”

How much did Rossi know exactly, what signs could he recognise?

“No one in my family has ever gotten divorced. My parents are still together after thirty years. And my grandparents were married for sixty.” Your words were a whisper, you struggling to keep them from shaking.

“I’m sure your family will support you in this. They’ll want you to be happy right? And he’s not making you happy. Some one else will. We both know that, Y/N.”

The intense look in his eyes make you certain he did know, and you could feel the walls of the office closing in on you.

“I need to go… ” You stood, ready to leave.

“Alright. I’m here if you need a friend sweetheart. And Lord knows my house is big and empty enough if you need somewhere to go.”

You choked out a thanks and walked as quickly as you could to your car, driving to the only place you wanted to be. The place you’d not been for twenty three days.

_But it’s the sweetest pain,  
Burning hot through my veins,  
Love is torture makes me more sure  
Only love can hurt like this_

He opened the door to you immediately.

“Have you done it?” Spencer asked you, failing to keep the hope out of his voice you.

You shook your head and he started to close the door.

“Wait!”

“I told you not to come here.”

“I know.. I know. I just…. I need you. Please.” You pleaded with him, the desperation obvious in you voice.

“Haven’t I given you enough? Offered you everything to get nothing back.”

“I know…. And I know I’ve hurt you. But please. I need to feel your arms around me. I need you to tell me that everything will be okay.”

_Only love can hurt like this,  
Only love can hurt like this,  
Must have been a deadly kiss,  
Only love can hurt like this,_

You stepped closer to him, pressing yourself against his body and wrapping your arms around his waist. He stood there stiffly, his arms hanging limply at his sides.

“I need you to leave, Y/N. You can’t be here anymore, you should have never been here in the first place.”

“I don’t want to leave. I can’t stand being away from you.”

Spencer gently pulled your arms from around him and stepped back from you.

“Then you know what you have to do. And I can only wait so long for you to do it. Like Emily said, you’re not the only one this is hurting here.”

_Only love can hurt like this,  
Your kisses burn into my skin,  
Only love can hurt like this,  
Only love can hurt like this,  
Save me, save me,  
Only love, only love,_

He closed his door again and you turned around, leaning your back against it, not realising Spencer was doing the same on the other side, tears running down each ot your faces.

You needed to make the pain go away. To stop the hurt.

For everyone.

_Cause only love can hurt like this  
And it must have been a deadly kiss_


	4. About You Now

When you got home that night, Paul wasn’t there. He’d been home by the looks of things, gotten changed, and gone straight back out again.

Thinking back to the conversation with Dave, you poured yourself a glass of wine and took your phone out, dialling your Mom. After exchanging pleasantries, you took a deep breath.

“Mom….. Would you and Daddy be upset with me if I left Paul?”  
..

You didn’t sleep that night. Paul rolled in at around 2am, not noticing the suitcases that you’d placed by the door, the bags you’d packed. He went straight to bed whilst you paced the apartment, drinking coffee. Leave now and leave a note, or tell him?

Finally at 4am, you went back into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed next to him. You nudged him awake.

“Go away…. ” He mumbled.

“I am. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Wake up.”

Pauls eyes opened and he squinted to see you.

“Let me guess, another case?” The disdain in his voice was apparent.

“No. I’m leaving you. For good.”  
…

There was no argument, in fact there were very few words exchanged after that. You both knew that there was no point in disputing it or trying to save it. There was nothing to save anymore.

So at 5am, you found yourself outside Spencers apartment again. Your bags were in your trunk, you would take them to Emily’s later, or to Daves if she wouldn’t have you. There was still a chance that Spencer would turn you away, after all, you’d messed him around so much without meaning to. You should have been honest months ago. Honest with everyone.

_It was so easy that night,  
Should have been strong, yeah I lied,  
Nobody gets me like you,_

You knocked on his door, calling his cell when he didn’t answer. It was still so early and it took him a few minutes to answer the door when you told him you were outside.

He didn’t speak when he did, sleep still clouding his features, his hair messy and light stubble covering his jaw.

“Y/N?”

_I know everything changes,  
All the cities and faces,  
But I know how I feel about you,_

He blinked a few times and then glanced down to your left hand. You knew what he was looking for, checking for. It was still there though. You hadn’t taken it off, simply out of habit. He moved to close the door again.

“I love you” you blurted out, the words that you should have said weeks ago slipping off your tongue. You reached to your ring finger and quickly tugged the wedding band off, shoving it into your hand bag.

Spencer twitched, just because you’d said those words didn’t mean you’d done it.

You tried again.

“My bags are in my car. I’ve…. I’ve told him.”

He moved aside to let you in, closing his robe around him as he closed the door.

“It’s over?” Spencer asked quietly.

“It’s over. I’m sorry. I should have done this at the very beginning. I love you Spencer.”

_Can we bring yesterday back around,  
‘Cus I know how I feel about you now,  
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down,  
But I know how I feel about you now_

You closed the space between you and waited. All this time he’d been waiting for you to say something, to do the right thing. And now you were waiting for him.

Had you messed him around for too long?

Had he changed his mind?

“Spence?”

_All that it takes one more chance,  
Don’t let our last kiss be our last,  
Give me tonight and I’ll show you_

“I love you, Y/N. Oh god, I love you so much.”

Your lips were on each other almost the second the words left his mouth, arms wrapping around the other tightly, like you’d never ever let each other go. Tears were trickling down your cheeks, happy tears. Spencer broke the kiss, feeling them, and he moved his mouth, kissing the trail away.

“No more crying, no more sadness Y/N.” He cupped his hands under your chin, pressing his forehead to yours. “Say it again….”

“I love you Spencer Reid.”

He kissed your cheek, nuzzling your ear with his nose. “Again.”

“I love you.”

His hands slipped under your jacket, pushing it off, a clanking sound as it dropped to the floor. Peppering your jaw with kisses, he worked his way to the other cheek, his fingers starting explore over you torso.

“Again.”

“Spencer, I love you. I’ll tell you everyday. Over and over again.”

Now the words had left your lips, they felt perfect. Magical even. You were in love and he loved you back. It wasn’t ideal how it had started, but it was what it was. And now… you were no longer with someone else. You could be honest about your feelings. And it felt glorious.

“I love your mind, I love your voice. I love how intelligent you are, how you can stun someone with a phrase or a sentence.”

Spencers lips had moved to your throat, your words feeling like they were vibrating as he kissed up and down your neck.

“I love…. I love how you can make me laugh until I cry, but if I’m crying, you always know what to do.”

“Again… ” he whispered, nipping at your neck, his hands slipping under the hem of your tank top, skimming over your stomach.

“I love you. I love how you sleep with yourself around me and if I move, you wake up. I love how your hair looks in the morning. I love your smile, your lips, your taste. I love every inch of you.”

His mouth was sucking along your shoulder now, inciting jolts of pleasure.

“Now I’ve said it….. I won’t ever stop saying it. We were meant to be together, I’m just so sorry it took so long for me to realise.”

_I know everything changes,  
I don’t care where it takes us,  
‘Cos I know how I feel about you_

Your own hands moved to Spencers body, pushing his robe off so that he was left in his t-shirt and boxers, boxers that were doing very little to hide his happiness that you were here. You nudged against him slightly and ran your hands over his back, skating them over his butt and giving it a soft squeeze.

You heard him groan softly against your skin and then he bent his knees slightly, readjusting his arms and then hoisting you off the ground. You locked your legs around his waist, toeing off your ballet pumps as he walked you into his bedroom, lowering you down onto his unmade sheets.

Your clothes came off quickly, joining his in a pile on the floor, and soon he was on top of you, settled in between your legs, your lips moving together in a feverish kiss. His skin was warm against yours, his hands trailing up and down your body as your tongues repeated words of love to each other silently.

This was how it was meant to be. You and him, together.

As you spread your legs and wrapped them around his waist, there were no longer any feelings of guilt. You were no longer doing anything wrong.

Rolling your hips against him, you signalled what you wanted. You hadn’t had him in twenty four days now, you needed this.

_Not a day pass me by,  
Not a day pass me by,  
When I don’t think about you,_

“Already? …. We’ve barely….. ” He sucked your bottom lip, releasing it slowly as he broke the kiss to look at you. You tucked his hair back behind his ears so that you could look into his eyes, his beautiful hazel eyes that shone with so much emotion. You nodded at him.

“I need you. Plus… We have all day right.”

He nodded and slipped his hand between your bodies, positioning himself ready to push inside.

“We have forever.”

_And there’s no moving on,  
'Cus I know your the one,  
And I can’t be without you_

He fit inside you perfectly, two jigsaw pieces that slotted together because they were made to be that way. He started to move, slowly at first; you pushing back with your hips and groaning at the feeling. Your eyes stayed locked on each other the whole time, you pushing his hair back everytime it fell forward again.

Spencer increased his pace and you clamped down on him, loving the look on his face as you did so.

“I love you, I love you so much.” You whispered to each other over and over in between gasps and pants as Spencer thrust harder and faster, not taking long to reach his high. You raised your head and caught his mouth with yours as you felt him release himself into you, juddering as he did.

You smiled widely, happiness surging through your veins. It didn’t matter that this had taken less than two minutes, or that you hadn’t even finished. You’d get to that later. What mattered was that you could be together, with the one you loved.

Spencer lay on top of you, his head burrowed into your neck as he panted softly, getting his breath back.

_Can we bring yesterday back around,  
'Cus I know how I feel about you now,  
I was dumb, I was wrong, I let you down,  
But I know how I feel about you now  
But I know how I feel about you now_

When he could speak, he tilted his head, placing an open mouthed kiss on your neck. “I will do whatever I can to make you the happiness woman alive, Y/N.”

“Spence, right now, I already am.”

“I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you too.”

_Yes I know how I feel about you now_

**Author's Note:**

> It's a big ask but if you’re enjoying my content and you’re financially able to then you may consider buying me a Ko-Fi as a way of financially supporting my writing. Many thanks to you if you do, it means so much to me that anyone might enjoy my work enough to dontate to me
> 
> https://ko-fi.com/cherrywhisp


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